vent post
kinda personal but i just needed to write it out
It’s been a year, a whole year. My father deadnamed me the other day, and I was starting to like him because he was actually trying to support me and use the correct pronouns. My mom? Oh, she hated the entire idea of me being trans and changing my name that she so preciously chose even though I have never liked it. She doesn’t care about my pronouns, doesn’t even try to use them. I doubt she even likes me anymore, and honestly, I wouldn’t be too hurt if that were the case. It’d give her a reason, though a bad one, to not respect me. Whenever she tries to ‘comfort’ me, I feel physically repulsed. When she touches me I have to use all my strength not to flinch. It feels like she’s trying too hard to be ‘nice’ to me and it’s giving me second thoughts. She knows I don’t like it when she shows everyone my school awards, what does she do? Takes pictures, and sends them to everyone. I hate being praised for my education because it makes me feel obligated to ‘keep up the good work’ and I really hate that feeling. My mom doesn’t care, though. She found out I used to cut, her solution? Surprise leg checks. She signed me up for therapy, didn’t work because I have adapted to be a pathological liar so he knew literally nothing about me. That and I usually couldn’t speak due to selective mutism coming in. He didn’t know that, he just thought I was quiet. I stopped having a therapist soon after.
I don’t think it’s a surprise that I have trust issues, since every time I think something’s going well and I can open up a little, the person does something that completely shuts me up again. An example of this is last Thursday, I was at dinner with my family and our neighbours, my ex-best friend is the kid of the neighbours so she was there. Since we were playing the same game at the time (Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom), we were talking about that. I didn’t know how to describe how I felt about a character so I went “He’s annoying but a skrimblo” and suddenly I was not in a safe space. My sibling and ex-bsf looked at me in silence. I went left for the bathroom to get out of their way because I knew insults and teases were incoming. It happens every single time, nothing new. This is actually why my ex-bsf is my ex-bsf, bc she turns on me like a dime and joins my sibling in their overly mean statements.
Long story short, I don’t trust adults, I have a fear of judgement, and my family knows nothing about my interests. Lovejoy said it best, “What’s this? The consequences of my actions"