Midnight Reflections

i was up at 2 43 am and thinking, never a good combo but oh well

I didn't know it would happen this often.
The nights, well, mornings
where I feel nothing but hollow.
I can't even cry
I just feel awful and sick
for no good reason.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

My school schedule consisted of me
never having enough time to wind down.
Now I have too much time
and I'm wasting it on scrolling
and getting lost in my own mind.
I have things to do
I have projects in my room
that need to get started and finished.
But I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity
that I don't even deserve.

I created Elijah as an outlet
even if I didn't realize it at first.
A spidersona I never thought I'd create
I took the parts of me I hated
and emphasized them
before placing them into his canon.
I lost all my friends
his only friend died tragically
in front of his own eyes.
His mother hates him
I hate her too, it's okay.

I need something
anything
to tell me to live.
To tell me to keep going.
To tell me I can survive.
In times like these
I even have a policy 
to not listen to what my head says after 9.
It's because it's wicked.
It's an evil I don't know how to manage
and I'm not sure how long I can resist
before something terrible happens
and my conscience mind is put to blame.

It's such bullshit that I can only think
to tell someone else
whenever I get like this.
I always feel like a burden in the morning
I hate worrying the people I love.
The people who care about me
more than anything.
The people I would kill for.
The people I'm being torn away from.

With them
I don't need to ask myself
whether they like me or love me
because I know the answer is both.
I hate that I can't say the same
for my parents' opinions of me.
Just the thought of a hug
from my closest friends
tops every single moment I spend
with my blood relatives.

The blood of the coven
runs thicker
than the water of the womb.
Friendship has been
and always will be
stronger than the forced relations
you could have with your 'family'.
So much to a point
where the person who birthed you
you wouldn't even consider 
a member of your family.

Because "Family"
means love
means safety
means comfort
means warmth
means trust.
And I only feel those things
with my friends.